What do I stand for?

This post will not be what you think it is.

I promise.

When I pose the question to myself, “What do I stand for?” I am targeting my self-worth. Have I placed a value over my head that is equivalent to what God has for me? Or has my value been whittled away to something much lower than what God intended?

What do I stand for in terms of a relationship? I want one that is healthy, pleasing to God, loving, respectful, and trusting.

If I know what I stand for yet I have not attained those things, what does that do to me? To my heart? To my relationship with God? To my relationship with others, including my husband?

I realize it must be fairly detrimental to have lived so opposite of what I actually wanted for so long. I have covered myself with hurt, pride, no trust, tears, worry, angst, anger! These have divided me from the place I thought I would be at this point in my life. I have: graduated from college, a good job, a husband, a house, a dog. I have been divided from reaping the happiness of these circumstances. Instead, I feel like I have been washed with a dirty sock. I am dingy with a layer of grimy film that tinges my happiness with muck.

This is not to say I am unhappy. It is to say that I am not as happy as I know I can and should be. I am not a victim of my circumstances and I try my best to veer clear of a pity party. But I do know that I struggle to get out from under the weight of that grimy film.

This grime is attributed to a little over the last two and a half years of blows to the chest. Unfortunately, I never chose to stand for what I knew I wanted my relationship to be and to become. I allowed things to continue to happen to me and my relationship with my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time). I never got out from under the weight of those things that tormented our relationship, which would have effectively granted me permission to leave those things and ultimately end my relationship. I never stood up against what my then-boyfriend was doing to us.

What is absolutely wonderful is that God worked in us to bring us to where we are now. We are at the point of healing. We are trying to collectively stand for a healthy, trusting, loving, and respectful relationship. At risk of sounding like I’m in AA, we are taking it one day at a time. That is all we can do.

That and PRAY that God is watching over us, blessing our relationship, and that he provides beautiful retribution in the form of healing. And that is what we stand for.
Amen. 🙂


Angst and satisfaction.

Today is a big day. May 15th marks four months until our wedding day, September 15th! This is where my angst rears its ugly head. I am a worrier at heart, which I attribute to being related to my mother…and father.

It is also the anniversary of my college graduation date two years ago. Hallelujah! Hello, satisfaction.

I remember assuming I was never going to see the end of college. The end I longed for was that of studying, taking tests, and writing page upon page of art history essays or business strategies. Side-note: I also wanted to reach the end of living in a different city that was two hours away from John. What can I say, I really love the guy. 🙂

Side-side-note: I miss Fort Collins so much now that I want to be back there some days. Then I think of all of the college kids milling about…

I digress. I just cannot believe how much has changed these last couple of years since graduating college. I’m an adult now? Having a “career” job, a house, a dog, and a fiance all point to YES. My heart, however, points to NO.

I am only 23 (turning 24 on Monday, yikes!). I never would have thought I would be hereright now. It’s pretty marvelous what God can do with time.

That’s why I have to believe that everything will come together in a timely manner for the wedding that is four months away. Hold on, I have to catch my breath…

Pray for a serene next few months filled with productivity, motivation, solutions, the means to pay for the event, and love!

Oh no, your decency’s showing.

Lately, I have been so appalled with the behavior people display towards one another. At work, on the road, customer service. There are some common decencies that are completely lacking in people’s interactions with others. Respect, to name a large one, is an elusive idea these days.

Where did common decency run off to, anyhow? I cannot even count the number of times I get cut off in a day, especially when driving to and from work. You wouldn’t believe how much I glance in my rear view mirror when I am coming to a stop or slowing down because someone has been riding my tail and I know they aren’t paying enough attention to the road. I don’t want to have to have my car fixed or peel myself off of the asphalt as much as the next person. So, I propose a simple fix: pay attention!

How about when you’re in an elevator packed full of co-workers waiting to get off on their desired floor? Silence. Everyone is basically touching elbows and yet no one is saying a word. I know that most would rather not be at work, but come on… we all know it’s awkward. And why not show each other the common decency of a breezy, “Hello.” I’m even going to take it a step further and say let’s try, “Hey, how’s it going?”

Crazy! I know.

Some of the folks I call for work-related purposes have this air of “you’re wasting my time” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was talking with a man who was not sure if he was receiving the discount he thought he should be. The particular program this man is running with my company is one where he works directly with the vendor, and not directly with us. He felt he needed to contact us and get the information he needed through us instead of calling his contact with the vendor. I let him know the information he needed in order to contact the vendor directly and sent him on his way to reach out to them. Immediately after, I received an email from him and apparently he’s been doing this for 13 years and he has never once had to do this himself.

All I wanted to say was, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you haven’t had to lift your own fingers for the last 13 years and do something for yourself.”

The most interesting thing about this situation is that if this gentleman had thought of treating me nicely and respectfully, I would have had no problem helping him out. When I am demanded to do something by someone I don’t know, I am way less likely to maintain a helpful spirit if there is no genuine ask for help. It matters naught to me that you have been “doing this” for 13 years. I have been alive for 23 years and I know when someone is being a ridiculous jerk.

I long for these short instances with strangers to be decent, genuine, and respectful. Is it really that difficult to let your decency show?