Angst and satisfaction.

Today is a big day. May 15th marks four months until our wedding day, September 15th! This is where my angst rears its ugly head. I am a worrier at heart, which I attribute to being related to my mother…and father.

It is also the anniversary of my college graduation date two years ago. Hallelujah! Hello, satisfaction.

I remember assuming I was never going to see the end of college. The end I longed for was that of studying, taking tests, and writing page upon page of art history essays or business strategies. Side-note: I also wanted to reach the end of living in a different city that was two hours away from John. What can I say, I really love the guy. 🙂

Side-side-note: I miss Fort Collins so much now that I want to be back there some days. Then I think of all of the college kids milling about…

I digress. I just cannot believe how much has changed these last couple of years since graduating college. I’m an adult now? Having a “career” job, a house, a dog, and a fiance all point to YES. My heart, however, points to NO.

I am only 23 (turning 24 on Monday, yikes!). I never would have thought I would be hereright now. It’s pretty marvelous what God can do with time.

That’s why I have to believe that everything will come together in a timely manner for the wedding that is four months away. Hold on, I have to catch my breath…

Pray for a serene next few months filled with productivity, motivation, solutions, the means to pay for the event, and love!

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It goes to show.

When you least expect it, that’s when it happens.

When you least assume you’ll see it again, that’s when you’re struck with it.

When you most fear it will happen, that’s the time it won’t.

What is this thing?

Doubt.

It is waiting with bated breath for the most opportune moment to strike. The unfortunate part for me is that it strikes often and aggressively. The most interesting part is that I always assumed I would have [it] figured out by now. And the frustrating part is that my doubt is so progressive that I doubt I will ever be over my doubt!

I’ll swing up a high five for my doubt being so avant-garde in its abilities to unnerve me at the worst times. But really, a change needs to be made.

I am about to take a journey into the scary I-need-to-figure-things-out world. Prayer and my husband will be my ultimate crutches. Lord knows I have been wearing my husband out with my silly antics. My Savior, I have forgotten, is my forever crutch and my biggest fan.

This all goes to show that doubt is an inexplicable and crazy feeling. But so is faith. They were made for each other. God’s design is one of ultimate mystery and wonder, yet it is no wonder why we feel the things we do at the exact moments we do.

I have no doubt that my display of doubt shows my lack of faith. They are inextricably linked. That’s why my journey in changing my doubt must begin with faith.

Hurry up and wait.

The theme of my days for the past four months can be compiled into a synopsis of these words: hurry up and wait.

I am in love with, loved by, and love a wonderful guy. Here’s the thing – I hardly get to see him.

We live basically an hour and a half away from each other.

When it all boils down, and I want to see him – or vice versa – the distance is daunting.

Finding the other person that you’re pretty dang sure you wouldn’t mind seeing all day everyday is like discovering $20 when you wake up in the morning…every morning.

Take this feeling and then subtract five to six mornings a week. That’s what my guy and I have to endure.

We’ve reached a point of hoping our circumstances will ease up a tad, and they have here and there. Ultimately, I would say that as certain things have become easier, others have worsened.

All of this winds us up back at the start.

I see nearly another year’s worth of toils and troubles ahead. Another year of waiting for it all the calm down.

Here ends the depressing talk. Enter in – the bright side.

I know that because my guy and I are forced to ride this rickety roller coaster of distance issues, we are undoubtedly going to appreciate when the distance equals zero. We so much appreciate the times we actually see the other’s face in person!… rather than having to hope they still have one.

Appreciation is imperative in a relationship like ours. To appreciate is to be grateful for the things you are given – and to forget the things that you are not given.

Thank God for his lessons, no matter how long they take and the amount they sting.