Guide.

I absolutely feel like I am meant for more. I feel like I am meant to change something. Maybe I just need to change myself. But I have the lingering feeling that I am meant to change someone or something else other than myself. I have not found my purpose yet, and I know it’s out there. How do I find it?

Prayer.
Reading my Bible.
Community and fellowship.
Family.

I think I have the answers of how to find it right in front of me. Sometimes I feel like I am keeping myself back from discovering it. I am a little afraid, to be honest. At times, i am worried that I am too flawed and scarred to amount to something amazing. I hope I don’t amount to ordinary… but amazing. Sounds great, but little ole Shauna? There must be a mistake there if it’s in God’s plans to have me surpass the expectations I have of myself.

Lord, please guide me. Somewhere.

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Opportune moment.

We had an unannounced meeting this morning. I don’t know what it is about meetings that make me uncomfortable, but meetings that I am unaware of just moments before they occur have a way of terrifying me.

This goes back to my worried heart. Really, I can only assume the worst.

The meeting began quite simply with the words from my supervisor, “There has been a change to our team.” That statement just reeked of ominousness. Then my supervisor completed her thought, “So I’ll turn it over to Lily*.”

Lily seemed so nervous and I know that none of us knew what to expect. “Well, everyone, I just put in my two weeks. There is a new opportunity that has come up that I just cannot pass up.”

pause

Someone asks, “What’s the opportunity?” Lily goes on to tell us that her friend is moving back from L.A. and they have decided to open up their own clothing boutique. They have done number crunching and research and she really feels like this is a risk she has to take.

How amazing!

Opportunities will always make me wonder what God is up to. When I see them happen to other people, I always hope that they will happen to me someday.

I absolutely believe that there are some extremely blessed people. I also have seen how networking can work wonders. Combine the two? Wow, you’re in for some magic! And what it comes down to is that the desires of the heart are noticed by God.

I have my own desires. They are not fully formed or fully functional. And really, I have about one million “desires” that need to be hashed out for what they actually are. A desire can be for a new car – or in my case, paying off my car loan so I can have $250 plus to put towards savings. Another desire of mine is to “work from home” most of the time. To get a food processor, to find a pair of heels I’m not afraid to walk in, to love unscathed…

Some desires that lurk in my heart are very petty. Some are so monumental that I cannot even wrap my head around what the desire actually is. A few are desires only if another string of desires become realized.

My desires end up swarming together into a pile of undecipherable junk. What if God is unable to disentangle the free-flowing mess I have made in my heart? If I don’t know what I desire, God may not be able to figure it out, either!… Right?

Gratefully and graciously, I am absolutely wrong. I believe that God is able to decipher my desires and will help me to realize them as well. God is not only gracious and a healer, but he is a teacher.

He will teach me to search my heart for that opportune moment. The one where it becomes so blatantly and wonderfully obvious that I just know that’s what I’ve been desiring!

I look forward to figuring out my fickle heart. One opportune moment at a time.

*Name has been changed

Angst and satisfaction.

Today is a big day. May 15th marks four months until our wedding day, September 15th! This is where my angst rears its ugly head. I am a worrier at heart, which I attribute to being related to my mother…and father.

It is also the anniversary of my college graduation date two years ago. Hallelujah! Hello, satisfaction.

I remember assuming I was never going to see the end of college. The end I longed for was that of studying, taking tests, and writing page upon page of art history essays or business strategies. Side-note: I also wanted to reach the end of living in a different city that was two hours away from John. What can I say, I really love the guy. ūüôā

Side-side-note: I miss Fort Collins so much now that I want to be back there some days. Then I think of all of the college kids milling about…

I digress. I just cannot believe how much has changed these last couple of years since graduating college. I’m an adult now? Having a “career” job, a house, a dog, and a fiance all point to YES. My heart, however, points to NO.

I am only 23 (turning 24 on Monday, yikes!). I never would have thought I would be hereright now. It’s pretty marvelous what God can do with time.

That’s why I have to believe that everything will come together in a timely manner for the wedding that is four months away. Hold on, I have to catch my breath…

Pray for a serene next few months filled with productivity, motivation, solutions, the means to pay for the event, and love!

It goes to show.

When you least expect it, that’s when it happens.

When you least assume you’ll see it again, that’s when you’re struck with it.

When you most fear it will happen, that’s the time it won’t.

What is this thing?

Doubt.

It is waiting with bated breath for the most opportune moment to strike. The unfortunate part for me is that it strikes often and aggressively. The most interesting part is that I always assumed I would have [it] figured out by now. And the frustrating part is that my doubt is so progressive that I doubt I will ever be over my doubt!

I’ll swing up a high five for my doubt being so avant-garde in its abilities to unnerve me at the worst times. But really, a change needs to be made.

I am about to take a journey into the scary I-need-to-figure-things-out world. Prayer and my husband will be my ultimate crutches. Lord knows I have been wearing my husband out with my silly antics. My Savior, I have forgotten, is my forever crutch and my biggest fan.

This all goes to show that doubt is an inexplicable and crazy feeling. But so is faith. They were made for each other. God’s design is one of ultimate mystery and wonder, yet it is no wonder why we feel the things we do at the exact moments we do.

I have no doubt that my display of doubt shows my lack of faith. They are inextricably linked. That’s why my journey in changing my doubt must begin with faith.

Looking backward.

I just read over my four measly posts. I have to say, things have changed so much since those writings.

It’s silly, but I did not realize I had neglected this baby for such a long time. What has it been? At least six months.

In lieu of thinking, observing, and writing, I’ve been doing nearly the opposite. So what has my time been spent on all the while?

Well… Some of it was spent. Some of it was wasted. I will admit to myself and everyone else that I did not utilize my hours in the most constructive of ways.

Some were wasted focusing on how much I missed certain people. Others were wasted ignoring how much I missed those people.

Some were spent getting to have time with the people I missed. Some were spent in the moment.

Some were not so hot. Some were not so cold.

I allowed myself to carry this past semester of school as if it were a burden, rather than an experience I should cherish. I cannot believe I have One semester left of school! It is incredibly exciting, but oh-so terrifying. I hope to make this semester what it should have been last semester.

I should have felt like I was living it, instead of it being in the way of the rest of my life.

There are extraneous circumstances that I am so thankful for, but I know held me back from school. With this said, I want to bring in¬†the past statement that “I allowed myself” to do that. It was by no means anyone else’s fault or problem but my own. I am my own person and make my own decisions. Some decisions made¬†have been murky and cloudy because of distances traveled, missing the people I love, and pure laziness.

I have always known something about myself that I never realized was definitely true – I am not motivated. With this said, there are some days where I can be the most motivated creature you could ever have laid eyes on. My motivation levels are consistent with my schedule. When things become due, such as a test or application, I am all over it…a day beforehand. Most of the time, this method has not failed me. When it has, it fails hardcore.

I am seeking to find a better solution to the rest of this semester – and really, the rest of my life – that is more than just getting through and getting by. I want to be present in every minute I am given.

Here’s to a prayer of strength, motivation, and encouragement. Lord, say you’re with me?

Hurry up and wait.

The theme of my days for the past four months can be compiled into a synopsis of these words: hurry up and wait.

I am in love with, loved by, and love a wonderful guy. Here’s the thing – I hardly get to see him.

We live basically an hour and a half away from each other.

When it all boils down, and I want to see him – or vice versa – the distance is daunting.

Finding the other person that you’re pretty dang sure you wouldn’t mind seeing all day everyday is like discovering $20 when you wake up in the morning…every morning.

Take this feeling and then subtract five to six mornings a week. That’s what my guy and I have to endure.

We’ve reached a point of hoping our circumstances will ease up a tad, and they have here and there. Ultimately, I would say that as certain things have become easier, others have worsened.

All of this winds us up back at the start.

I see nearly another year’s worth of toils and troubles ahead. Another year of waiting for it all the calm down.

Here ends the depressing talk. Enter in – the bright side.

I know that because my guy and I are forced to ride this rickety roller coaster of distance issues, we are undoubtedly going to appreciate when the distance equals zero. We so much appreciate the times we actually see the other’s face in person!… rather than having to hope they still have one.

Appreciation is imperative in a relationship like ours. To appreciate is to be grateful for the things you are given – and to forget the things that you are not given.

Thank God for his lessons, no matter how long they take and the amount they sting.

Thus far.

I want to know myself, but it is taking a while. Here’s what I have come up with thus far:

I only under– or over-think.

I doubt my abilities.

The Devil has gotta grip on my confidence, which he has been slowly tearing to shreds for some years now. Don’t worry. I’m in the process of rising up and pushing him away!

I am falling more in love with life everyday.

I think it is stellar when I realize in the moment that I am in the midst of creating a great memory.

I feel a lot more when I am listening to music, reading, or even watching a movie.

I love to feel.

Sometimes the problems we point out in others are the ones we hate most about ourselves. True of this girl right here.

Photography is truly the bane of my existence, as well as what keeps my heart beating.

I have no clue how much or how little I should be guarding my heart. I am so green.

I need to feel like I am in control. This is silly, I know. How can I give up control to God if I cannot do this in everyday life? He’s been around a lot longer than me. Since when did I ever really know what I should want or what should be in my life? He has been a good guy to me.

Forasmuch as the above two statements, I am beginning to diagnose my avoidance of real love.

I don’t particularly ever make quick decisions – except when out shopping.

Picking favorites isn’t my thing.

Faith. At the end of the day, it is my most prized possession.

So maybe I need the push to think, and the push to remember myself.

Does this make sense?

I am most assured it does not, but the words make me feel like I am getting to know myself.

And I think I am…