Guide.

I absolutely feel like I am meant for more. I feel like I am meant to change something. Maybe I just need to change myself. But I have the lingering feeling that I am meant to change someone or something else other than myself. I have not found my purpose yet, and I know it’s out there. How do I find it?

Prayer.
Reading my Bible.
Community and fellowship.
Family.

I think I have the answers of how to find it right in front of me. Sometimes I feel like I am keeping myself back from discovering it. I am a little afraid, to be honest. At times, i am worried that I am too flawed and scarred to amount to something amazing. I hope I don’t amount to ordinary… but amazing. Sounds great, but little ole Shauna? There must be a mistake there if it’s in God’s plans to have me surpass the expectations I have of myself.

Lord, please guide me. Somewhere.

Oh no, your decency’s showing.

Lately, I have been so appalled with the behavior people display towards one another. At work, on the road, customer service. There are some common decencies that are completely lacking in people’s interactions with others. Respect, to name a large one, is an elusive idea these days.

Where did common decency run off to, anyhow? I cannot even count the number of times I get cut off in a day, especially when driving to and from work. You wouldn’t believe how much I glance in my rear view mirror when I am coming to a stop or slowing down because someone has been riding my tail and I know they aren’t paying enough attention to the road. I don’t want to have to have my car fixed or peel myself off of the asphalt as much as the next person. So, I propose a simple fix: pay attention!

How about when you’re in an elevator packed full of co-workers waiting to get off on their desired floor? Silence. Everyone is basically touching elbows and yet no one is saying a word. I know that most would rather not be at work, but come on… we all know it’s awkward. And why not show each other the common decency of a breezy, “Hello.” I’m even going to take it a step further and say let’s try, “Hey, how’s it going?”

Crazy! I know.

Some of the folks I call for work-related purposes have this air of “you’re wasting my time” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was talking with a man who was not sure if he was receiving the discount he thought he should be. The particular program this man is running with my company is one where he works directly with the vendor, and not directly with us. He felt he needed to contact us and get the information he needed through us instead of calling his contact with the vendor. I let him know the information he needed in order to contact the vendor directly and sent him on his way to reach out to them. Immediately after, I received an email from him and apparently he’s been doing this for 13 years and he has never once had to do this himself.

All I wanted to say was, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you haven’t had to lift your own fingers for the last 13 years and do something for yourself.”

The most interesting thing about this situation is that if this gentleman had thought of treating me nicely and respectfully, I would have had no problem helping him out. When I am demanded to do something by someone I don’t know, I am way less likely to maintain a helpful spirit if there is no genuine ask for help. It matters naught to me that you have been “doing this” for 13 years. I have been alive for 23 years and I know when someone is being a ridiculous jerk.

I long for these short instances with strangers to be decent, genuine, and respectful. Is it really that difficult to let your decency show?

It goes to show.

When you least expect it, that’s when it happens.

When you least assume you’ll see it again, that’s when you’re struck with it.

When you most fear it will happen, that’s the time it won’t.

What is this thing?

Doubt.

It is waiting with bated breath for the most opportune moment to strike. The unfortunate part for me is that it strikes often and aggressively. The most interesting part is that I always assumed I would have [it] figured out by now. And the frustrating part is that my doubt is so progressive that I doubt I will ever be over my doubt!

I’ll swing up a high five for my doubt being so avant-garde in its abilities to unnerve me at the worst times. But really, a change needs to be made.

I am about to take a journey into the scary I-need-to-figure-things-out world. Prayer and my husband will be my ultimate crutches. Lord knows I have been wearing my husband out with my silly antics. My Savior, I have forgotten, is my forever crutch and my biggest fan.

This all goes to show that doubt is an inexplicable and crazy feeling. But so is faith. They were made for each other. God’s design is one of ultimate mystery and wonder, yet it is no wonder why we feel the things we do at the exact moments we do.

I have no doubt that my display of doubt shows my lack of faith. They are inextricably linked. That’s why my journey in changing my doubt must begin with faith.

Looking backward.

I just read over my four measly posts. I have to say, things have changed so much since those writings.

It’s silly, but I did not realize I had neglected this baby for such a long time. What has it been? At least six months.

In lieu of thinking, observing, and writing, I’ve been doing nearly the opposite. So what has my time been spent on all the while?

Well… Some of it was spent. Some of it was wasted. I will admit to myself and everyone else that I did not utilize my hours in the most constructive of ways.

Some were wasted focusing on how much I missed certain people. Others were wasted ignoring how much I missed those people.

Some were spent getting to have time with the people I missed. Some were spent in the moment.

Some were not so hot. Some were not so cold.

I allowed myself to carry this past semester of school as if it were a burden, rather than an experience I should cherish. I cannot believe I have One semester left of school! It is incredibly exciting, but oh-so terrifying. I hope to make this semester what it should have been last semester.

I should have felt like I was living it, instead of it being in the way of the rest of my life.

There are extraneous circumstances that I am so thankful for, but I know held me back from school. With this said, I want to bring in the past statement that “I allowed myself” to do that. It was by no means anyone else’s fault or problem but my own. I am my own person and make my own decisions. Some decisions made have been murky and cloudy because of distances traveled, missing the people I love, and pure laziness.

I have always known something about myself that I never realized was definitely true – I am not motivated. With this said, there are some days where I can be the most motivated creature you could ever have laid eyes on. My motivation levels are consistent with my schedule. When things become due, such as a test or application, I am all over it…a day beforehand. Most of the time, this method has not failed me. When it has, it fails hardcore.

I am seeking to find a better solution to the rest of this semester – and really, the rest of my life – that is more than just getting through and getting by. I want to be present in every minute I am given.

Here’s to a prayer of strength, motivation, and encouragement. Lord, say you’re with me?

Hurry up and wait.

The theme of my days for the past four months can be compiled into a synopsis of these words: hurry up and wait.

I am in love with, loved by, and love a wonderful guy. Here’s the thing – I hardly get to see him.

We live basically an hour and a half away from each other.

When it all boils down, and I want to see him – or vice versa – the distance is daunting.

Finding the other person that you’re pretty dang sure you wouldn’t mind seeing all day everyday is like discovering $20 when you wake up in the morning…every morning.

Take this feeling and then subtract five to six mornings a week. That’s what my guy and I have to endure.

We’ve reached a point of hoping our circumstances will ease up a tad, and they have here and there. Ultimately, I would say that as certain things have become easier, others have worsened.

All of this winds us up back at the start.

I see nearly another year’s worth of toils and troubles ahead. Another year of waiting for it all the calm down.

Here ends the depressing talk. Enter in – the bright side.

I know that because my guy and I are forced to ride this rickety roller coaster of distance issues, we are undoubtedly going to appreciate when the distance equals zero. We so much appreciate the times we actually see the other’s face in person!… rather than having to hope they still have one.

Appreciation is imperative in a relationship like ours. To appreciate is to be grateful for the things you are given – and to forget the things that you are not given.

Thank God for his lessons, no matter how long they take and the amount they sting.

Thus far.

I want to know myself, but it is taking a while. Here’s what I have come up with thus far:

I only under– or over-think.

I doubt my abilities.

The Devil has gotta grip on my confidence, which he has been slowly tearing to shreds for some years now. Don’t worry. I’m in the process of rising up and pushing him away!

I am falling more in love with life everyday.

I think it is stellar when I realize in the moment that I am in the midst of creating a great memory.

I feel a lot more when I am listening to music, reading, or even watching a movie.

I love to feel.

Sometimes the problems we point out in others are the ones we hate most about ourselves. True of this girl right here.

Photography is truly the bane of my existence, as well as what keeps my heart beating.

I have no clue how much or how little I should be guarding my heart. I am so green.

I need to feel like I am in control. This is silly, I know. How can I give up control to God if I cannot do this in everyday life? He’s been around a lot longer than me. Since when did I ever really know what I should want or what should be in my life? He has been a good guy to me.

Forasmuch as the above two statements, I am beginning to diagnose my avoidance of real love.

I don’t particularly ever make quick decisions – except when out shopping.

Picking favorites isn’t my thing.

Faith. At the end of the day, it is my most prized possession.

So maybe I need the push to think, and the push to remember myself.

Does this make sense?

I am most assured it does not, but the words make me feel like I am getting to know myself.

And I think I am…

Willingness.

“Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to move your Feet.”

I don’t know who wrote this, but I think it’s magnificent.

I am quick to ask for something, yet neglect to put any effort into the change I seek whatsoever.

And isn’t that the tendency?

I have to ask myself why I feel so entitled. It may be cause of the way I grew up. If I was hungry, I told someone and food arrived at my fingertips in mere minutes – if not moments.

It is most difficult to realize that the Lord does not owe me a single thing. I owe him my life and devotion. Without him, I wouldn’t have life.

Instead, I live most of my days quite the opposite of the way I should.

The ultimate compromise: if I am eager for him to change my circumstances, I need to be equally as eager to actively change them as well.