Guide.

I absolutely feel like I am meant for more. I feel like I am meant to change something. Maybe I just need to change myself. But I have the lingering feeling that I am meant to change someone or something else other than myself. I have not found my purpose yet, and I know it’s out there. How do I find it?

Prayer.
Reading my Bible.
Community and fellowship.
Family.

I think I have the answers of how to find it right in front of me. Sometimes I feel like I am keeping myself back from discovering it. I am a little afraid, to be honest. At times, i am worried that I am too flawed and scarred to amount to something amazing. I hope I don’t amount to ordinary… but amazing. Sounds great, but little ole Shauna? There must be a mistake there if it’s in God’s plans to have me surpass the expectations I have of myself.

Lord, please guide me. Somewhere.

Opportune moment.

We had an unannounced meeting this morning. I don’t know what it is about meetings that make me uncomfortable, but meetings that I am unaware of just moments before they occur have a way of terrifying me.

This goes back to my worried heart. Really, I can only assume the worst.

The meeting began quite simply with the words from my supervisor, “There has been a change to our team.” That statement just reeked of ominousness. Then my supervisor completed her thought, “So I’ll turn it over to Lily*.”

Lily seemed so nervous and I know that none of us knew what to expect. “Well, everyone, I just put in my two weeks. There is a new opportunity that has come up that I just cannot pass up.”

pause

Someone asks, “What’s the opportunity?” Lily goes on to tell us that her friend is moving back from L.A. and they have decided to open up their own clothing boutique. They have done number crunching and research and she really feels like this is a risk she has to take.

How amazing!

Opportunities will always make me wonder what God is up to. When I see them happen to other people, I always hope that they will happen to me someday.

I absolutely believe that there are some extremely blessed people. I also have seen how networking can work wonders. Combine the two? Wow, you’re in for some magic! And what it comes down to is that the desires of the heart are noticed by God.

I have my own desires. They are not fully formed or fully functional. And really, I have about one million “desires” that need to be hashed out for what they actually are. A desire can be for a new car – or in my case, paying off my car loan so I can have $250 plus to put towards savings. Another desire of mine is to “work from home” most of the time. To get a food processor, to find a pair of heels I’m not afraid to walk in, to love unscathed…

Some desires that lurk in my heart are very petty. Some are so monumental that I cannot even wrap my head around what the desire actually is. A few are desires only if another string of desires become realized.

My desires end up swarming together into a pile of undecipherable junk. What if God is unable to disentangle the free-flowing mess I have made in my heart? If I don’t know what I desire, God may not be able to figure it out, either!… Right?

Gratefully and graciously, I am absolutely wrong. I believe that God is able to decipher my desires and will help me to realize them as well. God is not only gracious and a healer, but he is a teacher.

He will teach me to search my heart for that opportune moment. The one where it becomes so blatantly and wonderfully obvious that I just know that’s what I’ve been desiring!

I look forward to figuring out my fickle heart. One opportune moment at a time.

*Name has been changed

It goes to show.

When you least expect it, that’s when it happens.

When you least assume you’ll see it again, that’s when you’re struck with it.

When you most fear it will happen, that’s the time it won’t.

What is this thing?

Doubt.

It is waiting with bated breath for the most opportune moment to strike. The unfortunate part for me is that it strikes often and aggressively. The most interesting part is that I always assumed I would have [it] figured out by now. And the frustrating part is that my doubt is so progressive that I doubt I will ever be over my doubt!

I’ll swing up a high five for my doubt being so avant-garde in its abilities to unnerve me at the worst times. But really, a change needs to be made.

I am about to take a journey into the scary I-need-to-figure-things-out world. Prayer and my husband will be my ultimate crutches. Lord knows I have been wearing my husband out with my silly antics. My Savior, I have forgotten, is my forever crutch and my biggest fan.

This all goes to show that doubt is an inexplicable and crazy feeling. But so is faith. They were made for each other. God’s design is one of ultimate mystery and wonder, yet it is no wonder why we feel the things we do at the exact moments we do.

I have no doubt that my display of doubt shows my lack of faith. They are inextricably linked. That’s why my journey in changing my doubt must begin with faith.