What do I stand for?

This post will not be what you think it is.

I promise.

When I pose the question to myself, “What do I stand for?” I am targeting my self-worth. Have I placed a value over my head that is equivalent to what God has for me? Or has my value been whittled away to something much lower than what God intended?

What do I stand for in terms of a relationship? I want one that is healthy, pleasing to God, loving, respectful, and trusting.

If I know what I stand for yet I have not attained those things, what does that do to me? To my heart? To my relationship with God? To my relationship with others, including my husband?

I realize it must be fairly detrimental to have lived so opposite of what I actually wanted for so long. I have covered myself with hurt, pride, no trust, tears, worry, angst, anger! These have divided me from the place I thought I would be at this point in my life. I have: graduated from college, a good job, a husband, a house, a dog. I have been divided from reaping the happiness of these circumstances. Instead, I feel like I have been washed with a dirty sock. I am dingy with a layer of grimy film that tinges my happiness with muck.

This is not to say I am unhappy. It is to say that I am not as happy as I know I can and should be. I am not a victim of my circumstances and I try my best to veer clear of a pity party. But I do know that I struggle to get out from under the weight of that grimy film.

This grime is attributed to a little over the last two and a half years of blows to the chest. Unfortunately, I never chose to stand for what I knew I wanted my relationship to be and to become. I allowed things to continue to happen to me and my relationship with my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time). I never got out from under the weight of those things that tormented our relationship, which would have effectively granted me permission to leave those things and ultimately end my relationship. I never stood up against what my then-boyfriend was doing to us.

What is absolutely wonderful is that God worked in us to bring us to where we are now. We are at the point of healing. We are trying to collectively stand for a healthy, trusting, loving, and respectful relationship. At risk of sounding like I’m in AA, we are taking it one day at a time. That is all we can do.

That and PRAY that God is watching over us, blessing our relationship, and that he provides beautiful retribution in the form of healing. And that is what we stand for.
Amen. šŸ™‚

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